She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
