My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
