It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
