i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
