I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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