just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
