dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
