There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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