I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
