I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
