I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
