did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
