so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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