I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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