I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
