I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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