I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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