arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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