Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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