Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
