So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
