Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
