He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
