My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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