dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
