I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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