bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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