I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
