So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
