Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize