I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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