If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
