I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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