sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Randomize
