I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
