the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
