Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
