Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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