I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
