How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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