I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
