they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
