I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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