everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
