I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Apparently you make a good broom.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
