Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
