that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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