I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
