so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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