how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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