Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
