At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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