There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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