Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
