i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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