don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The Olympian is in my bed
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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