He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
