I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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